I'm Tired of Dealing with CRAP!

ThinkKit has asked me what I would want to disappear in 2015.  I mean, there are obvious things I think most people would wish for like no more violence, health ailments to go away, debt erased, etc.  But the first thing that came to my mind was crap.  More specifically, cleaning up disgusting toddler diapers!  Don't read on if you can't handle reading about Number 2's!

Raven loves to eat and with all this eating, she poops like an adult sized amount 2-4 times a day.  Her gut is also sensitive to mucous so whenever she has a cold or random stuffiness, we get DISGUSTING diapers that make me want to curl into fetal position in a corner and cry.  I may have been around Raven for over a year and 8 months, but I still don't enjoy changing diapers and it seems the poo situation is grosser and bigger than when she was an infant.  It is also awkward having to chase after her if I see she has a lumpy butt and try to feel for any surprises.  Then, when it is diaper changing time (poo or pee), she gets ANGRY and makes the whole diaper changing experience miserable with screaming and kicking as if it wasn't bad enough.  I DREAD having to change her diaper in public bathrooms or people's homes because she screams like I'm sawing off her leg while I'm trying to be as quick and calm as possible so I stop getting pity stares.  I can guarantee you I've prevented a few women from ever wanting children just based off of watching my toddler diaper changes.

I truly hope by the end of 2015, we can successfully potty train Raven.  She still has no idea why we use the toilet or how to communicate to us that she needs to use the restroom so it's just too early to try to teach her to pull down her pants and diaper and go potty.  But I will tell you this, when that day comes where she can poop in a toilet and flush it away will be a day I will always remember fondly.  I will find some hill to climb and twirl around on like Julie Andrews.  I'm literally tired of dealing with Raven's crap.  I will leave you with this (sorry if you are offended by its potty language but I think it's appropriate)...and wish me luck on potty training in the next year!

My Love Letter To Target

ThinkKit asked me what place I spent a lot of time in this year besides work or home.  If you know me well enough, you know what the answer is: Target.

Can I get an AMEN to the above Meme?!  You have to admit, Target is kind of like a crack addiction.  I am constantly coming up with excuses why I need to go to Target.  I have a Target redcard and the Cartwheel app, and I'm actually going to Target in an hour.  I even got JD interested in going to Target.  We go on family outings to Target.  We always buy something we don't need because I swear they pump something in the air to make you think everything there is amazing and a good price.

Target, this is my love letter to you. You've been there for me when I've been down.  You excite me with your constantly changing clothing and home decor sections.  Your kids clothes are cute and affordable.  I love being able to shop with a Starbucks coffee in hand.  If I were rich, I'd buy half your store.  Your chicken salad is SO good (really guys, you need to try it).  Your staff knows my name so I don't know if I should be flattered or embarrassed that you have seen me that many times.  Sometimes I don't buy anything, I just want to be around you because I love you that much.  You are my favorite store and can't imagine being in a world without you around.

I wish I could have been more interesting and said my third home was NYC, LA, or Paris because I have another home or business in those cities, but I don't.  I did a lot of traveling before meeting my husband and becoming a mom so I'm not complaining I haven't traveled much this year.  I just decided I'd be honest where I spent a lot of my time this past year and previous years.  Target has my heart (and wallet).  BFFs forever, Target.

Goodbye Silver Bullet

ThinkKit wants to know what I said goodbye to in 2014 and the first thing that came to mind was my beloved car aka Silver Bullet.  Sure, she was 11 years old with stained upholstery and rust forming on her sides, but she only broke down once in the 4 years that we had her.  In fall 2010, JD's SUV engine completely died and it was going to be thousands of dollars to get it replaced.  Since we had just paid for our wedding, we had no spare change to just buy an engine so we had to save up for it for a few months.  At that time, JD and I fortunately worked for the same company in the same building so we were able to ride together to and from work.  We had a lot of deep conversations in that car we shared as well as a few laughs and a few fights over pop music or metal to listen to.  I really enjoyed our time together driving around, we weren't distracted by a tv, books, phones, or video games.  I don't care that the horn broke about a month after I got it, I loved that car.

Then, one fateful early June evening, I was alone in Silver Bullet at a gas station waiting to go right but the traffic was crazy due to rush hour.  There was a stop light near the exit of this gas station and a kind lady in a Suburban waved me out to get in the right lane so that I would not be stuck waiting forever.  All I remember is I was pulling out and suddenly a black SUV comes swerving into me and fortunately my airbag did not activate (I heard those can cause broken noses), but I knew the crunch I heard was not good.  The lady who had waved me out already drove past the scene so I did not have her as a witness, but this woman (WHO HAD EARBUDS IN HER EAR THAT WAS ATTACHED TO A PHONE IN WHICH SHE WAS STILL HAVING CONVERSATION) comes barreling out of her SUV and starts yelling at me that she had the right of way while I explained to her that I was waved into the lane she was swerving into by the Suburban she must have seen was stopped.  She then LEFT the scene of the accident and pulled her car into a parking lot down the street!  I got a hold of the cops and kept my car where the accident was because that is what you're supposed to do until the cops arrive and I surveyed the damage.  The front of my car literally fell off and was on the ground.  I'm not too technical with car part names but after the cop arrived, he had me very slowly move the car to the same parking lot the lady WHO STILL HAD earbuds in her ear had parked. I took a glance at her SUV and saw a light scratch on her passenger door.The SUV destroyed my car with barely any damage at all!

The cop obviously acted like he didn't want to be there and bluntly told me it's illegal for someone to wave you into traffic (did ANYONE learn this in drivers' education?!).  The lady I guess was mad the Suburban had stopped and must have figured that she would go around it and get back into the right lane without paying attention since her phone call was so important that she had to have headphones on.  The cop actually duct taped pieces of my car together and said since I lived a mile away that I could drive it home slowly so that I could have it at my residence.  While helping me, the headphones wearing woman (yes she STILL had her headphones in) asked if she could go in which the annoyed cop said yes.

My insurance company totaled out my car and I'm not sure if they put that woman at fault but I got a check and my car was towed away.  I miss Silver Bullet, it did well for a used car.  I had good memories using that car.  Headphones lady destroyed my car that I loved.  

A couple weeks later, JD and I decided we would purchase a new car in order to have a warranty and for safety ratings with our toddler.  I have a Kia Soul now and I have to say that I love it!  I don't love making car payments but I know my family is safe in that car and we will have new and happy memories to make in the Green Bean.  I do miss you though, Silver Bullet, you were a good car to me and hope you are looking down on me in car heaven.

Taking Some Good Advice

ThinkKit asked me today what was the best piece of advice I received this year?  I think the best piece of advice I received was to live in the present.  As someone who has been a worst case scenario person filled with anxious thoughts, this advice made me step back and enjoy what is around me instead of being stuck in my own head.  I really have taken this advice to heart.  When the crocuses bloomed in late March, I went outside and just stood there, looking at them for 10 minutes.  I told myself I was going to stand there and let myself enjoy the flowers I was seeing and focus on how beautiful they were.  The first couple minutes, my mind was screaming all different thoughts, "Jenn: you need to go in and do laundry, how much money is in the bank account, has Raven been fed enough today, did I email that person back, what do I make for dinner, is it going to rain tonight, why is my head hurting, why is this person so rude?"  Then I consciously said, "STOP" to those thoughts and made myself stand there and just look at the flowers, appreciating them for what they were.

This piece of advice has helped me tremendously when I feel the stress devils sneaking up on me.  I latch my mind onto what positive things are going on around me and embrace them for what they are like my daughter's laughter, a hug, a funny social media post, nice weather, a good hair day, etc.  It's really incredible how you can rewire your brain's way of thinking when you quit worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.  The present, and what is positive about what is around will ease your mind considerably.  Since I started this mindful meditation if you will, I would describe my life as having more good days than bad days.  When I have bad days, I accept it for what it is if I cannot change something and tell myself it's not forever.  Not all good days last forever either so that's why enjoying the present is so important.

I truly feel like once I started focusing on things and not be stuck in my head of worry, I found so many beautiful things I hadn't even noticed before.  I still think I have a lot of work to do at being peaceful and content, but I'm a lot different than I used to be thanks to this great piece of advice that I decided to take seriously.

Next time you feel like your mind is a roller coaster of negative emotions, take a mental time out and appreciate one good thing around you. Live in the present.

Hi I'm Jenn, I Like Weird Photos.

ThinkKit wants me to make you laugh with something I saw this year...and I saw this:

THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.  This is so weird that you have to laugh a little bit if you look at it.  You can thank my husband for introducing me to this photo that literally makes him cry from laughing.  Now, I'm going to take it a step further and Google "Weirdest Picture Ever" and pick a few of MY favorites:

I like this guy.

A great use of photoshop and pun.

A HORRIFYING use of photoshop but still funny.

 I'll leave you with this guy because who doesn't love spoons around their shoulders?  The internet is a very interesting place, I'm glad there's always something out there to make me giggle.

I Thought I Knew You...

Today, ThinkKit has asked me what did I change my mind about this year?  In all honesty, I have changed my mind about what I think of certain people.  This post is going to be vague and I apologize for that but I'm not here to stir up drama for the certain individuals who I initially thought were good people, but I was wrong.  Now I'm not a saint (I enjoy cussing and a whiskey shot now and then), but I DO have a moral compass and would not cheat on my spouse, steal from strangers, spread mean lies about others, or be incredibly greedy.  Fortunately, the people who have disappointed me were never close friends of mine but I feel as I get older, it is important to surround myself with people who inspire me and are just generally good people!   It's better to have a few good friends than a bunch of fair weather friends.  I'm stepping off my soap box now. ;)  

Hey again internet!  It's been awhile since I've blogged but ThinkKit's daily prompts are back for the month of December and I'm going to participate again this year.  Today's prompt was to share a year in photos, or a significant photo (which I am choosing) and to dig deeper into the meaning behind it.
So here is a photo I want to talk about:

As some of you know, my hair was fire engine red for a week in early June.   Now, some of you probably hated it (which I ended up not liking it since it faded so damn quickly and my mom kept calling me Bozo) but dying my hair this vibrant color was more than a new hair color for me.

Some of you know that not too long after Raven was born, I began having digestion issues.  I had a hospital stay in June 2013, an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, an MCRP, a gallbladder removal, and various acid and anti nausea medications and still no answer as to why my stomach felt full/painful so much or why I would get nauseated almost daily.  I would literally eat 5 bites of food and suddenly feel like I ate a large Thanksgiving dinner.  Since I hadn't found the answer to my issues, a couple doctors convinced me I was just 'stressed out' causing me stomach issues.  In all honesty, feeling bad was stressing me out and not the other way around.  If I ate lunch at say, 11 am, I would be burping it up at 6 pm.  I couldn't eat very much and felt weak.  I lost 30 lbs from my weight after Raven was born.  I was losing hope with every pound that I lost.  I became depressed and angry because I knew I was not causing this problem but I wasn't getting an answer.  I isolated myself from a lot of people because I HATED the way I looked and hated the way my body was making me feel.  I just didn't want to be Debbie Downer to friends and acquaintances.   January through April, I got a lot of strangers negatively commenting on my weight which hurt my self esteem even more.  I thought this nightmare would never end.

Then I had a new gastro doctor who suggested I might have gastroparesis (a partially paralyzed stomach) that could have been caused by a virus or for unknown reasons.  The only way to find out if this was my issue was by taking a Gastic Emptying Scan.  The scan revealed that my stomach was emptying much slower than most people's stomach thus I FINALLY HAD AN ANSWER!  Fortunately with this condition, it could go away and I do have a milder version than the poor people who have to have feeding tubes in their small intestines or vomit 15 times a day because their stomach does not operate at all.  Because I have a mild enough condition (though still life changing and depressing), I was put on a prokinetic medication called Domperidone which tells the nerves in my stomach to contract when they won't on their own.  I take one pill about 10 minutes before every meal and I can eat like I used to!  I get hungry and I'm not nauseated!  I might have to be on this medicine the rest of my life, but I have come to peace with that as long as I feel better.  May is when I started the Domperidone and I could tell within 2 weeks that I was remarkably better and able to take in over 3000 calories a day in order to gain weight back.

So what does this have to do with hair color or taking a selfie with my daughter?  I felt like I was finally vibrant again and I wanted my hair to shout that out.  The past year, I would fake smile for the camera when inside I barely felt a reason for smiling since I felt so physically terrible and was losing weight like crazy.  This photo was taken soon after I dyed my hair and I am GENUINELY smiling in this photo.  I felt (and still feel) good, and it made me a better mom being able to have the energy to do more things with Raven.  I had a great summer with her before returning to the workforce this fall (besides my floral business which I have continued).

The hair color may not have stayed, but my happiness has.  I have gained a lot of weight back despite still being a naturally skinny person.  I love this photo, and it will always remind me that no matter what horrible situation I come across that I will make it out.  A friend in college told me once, "If things aren't okay, they aren't the end and in the end, everything will be okay."