Monday, February 23, 2015
You Can Crush My Body, But Not My Soul
Being a mom is tiring, being a mom with Fibromyalgia is some days extremely hard. Fibromyalgia makes you feel excruciating pain when you may not even have inflammation but it's not just that. Fibromyalgia has caused chronic sinus issues, gastroparesis, and even exacerbated anxiety and in very low points, depression. I'm not new to this disorder, I have had it since I was ten after a bad case of the flu. For four years, Riley Children's Hospital ran many tests on me to find a cause until a rheumatoligist gave me certain tests to pinpoint Fibromyalgia which is rare in children. I have gone on to do some amazing things in my life because of my willpower knowing deep down that I am stronger than what my body puts me through. I do have some guilt knowing there have been more things I've wanted to achieve but brain fog, exhaustion, and pain can be unbearable at times. I had a lot of anxiety after Raven was born because I realized she might grow up with a mom who has bad days and has to just lie on the couch but I have made peace with the fact that my daughter wouldn't love me any less than if I had diabetes, cancer, or any other disease/disorder. I admit I don't take the best care of myself and it's showing more as I age. However, I will adapt to whatever changes fibromyalgia brings and I will prevail. I am just grateful I don't have a terminal illness and that the right distraction techniques help me forget about my pain and exhaustion. I'm looking forward to moving up in my career in logistics and doing some home renovations. When I feel ok, I am so thankful (that others take for granted). I hope they find a cure or at least an affordable treatment plan but in the mean time, I'm dancing in the rain and finding the positives that define my life!
Friday, January 23, 2015
I've Got Thick Skin and An Elastic Heart
I don't know if you've heard the song "Elastic Heart" by Sia, but I adore it (and the video is very cool). I know the song is probably about a break up, but I really love the line, "I've got thick skin and an elastic heart." I feel like this resonates with how I feel about myself nowadays.
Growing up, I was a pretty sensitive child who got offended or upset easily by friends or family. I don't know if it was because I was the baby of the family or I didn't know any better but to be overly sensitive. I would dwell on any negative comment made towards me by elementary school girls to the point I refused to go to school. I guess you could say I had bullies, but looking back what they said was completely laughable and not at all threatening. I just couldn't handle people disliking me for no known reason. I wanted acceptance in everything I did, it was my priority in life.
My father died right before I turned sixteen and this threw me into a deeper pit of needing acceptance. Not only did I feel like I needed people to accept me, but also for a God to love and accept me. I became religious because I was automatically accepted as a Christian. People were nice to me at church and in youth group. I don't regret that time in my life because going to Bible Study was a better choice of a form of acceptance than sleeping around or partying as a teenager.
I then got into modeling and I had to learn very quickly to take rejection. I was asked multiple times by casting agents if I was planning to have a nose job, boob job, lip injections, if I could lose more weight, grow my hair out, cut my hair, be blonde, act more serious, the list goes on. At first, it was absolutely frightening and then I realized that my body was a product (that sounds wrong, but you know what I'm getting at) and these agents weren't attacking my character, they didn't know me as a person at all! They were simply looking for the perfect model for a specific look they had in mind. I knew I wasn't the worst model because I did get jobs and was accepted into some very sought after agencies. I got to travel, meet designers, be independent, and make new friends so despite all the rejection, I had a good time modeling internationally and also started to grow a thick skin as a result.
I feel like when I entered college, I slid back into the NEED to be accepted. I think it was because I was insecure about being a 'townie' since I was going to school less than 10 minutes away from my mother's house. I joined a sorority in order to feel accepted and I felt more outcast than accepted (though I do not blame any girls in the house, I just didn't feel like I was really part of a sisterhood since I was so used to doing my own thing). I felt like the people I connected with most were the artsy kids and the people in my major, Apparel Design, who looked at life outside the box like I did. Suffice to say, I did NOT want to become a fashion designer, but stuck with it because I loved the people I was around in my major and didn't want to pay for more college to change my major! I think being around the artistic community at Purdue fueled my need to be accepted but also we celebrated our diversity and independence at the same time.
After college when the recession hit hard, I felt very vulnerable trying to be a grown up with no real job prospects. I went in and out of relationships in order to try to feel fulfilled in a new life that was quite frankly scary. At this time, I was too old to start over in fashion modeling and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Haha, I still don't but at least I've accepted that now! Several jobs and relationships later, I finally started dating my now husband JD, who is tough as nails and has inspired me to keep a tough skin. The world can be rough, but he's shown me you can get back up, brush yourself off, and keep moving.
Though JD inspired me to be a little more thick skinned, he didn't push me to be so, I had to be willing to do that myself. Maybe it's age or the fact I'm a mother now, but I don't feel the need for the whole world to love me. The most important person I need love from is myself. I am thankful for all my experiences to bring me to the woman I am today. I hope things will only keep getting better.
Growing up, I was a pretty sensitive child who got offended or upset easily by friends or family. I don't know if it was because I was the baby of the family or I didn't know any better but to be overly sensitive. I would dwell on any negative comment made towards me by elementary school girls to the point I refused to go to school. I guess you could say I had bullies, but looking back what they said was completely laughable and not at all threatening. I just couldn't handle people disliking me for no known reason. I wanted acceptance in everything I did, it was my priority in life.
My father died right before I turned sixteen and this threw me into a deeper pit of needing acceptance. Not only did I feel like I needed people to accept me, but also for a God to love and accept me. I became religious because I was automatically accepted as a Christian. People were nice to me at church and in youth group. I don't regret that time in my life because going to Bible Study was a better choice of a form of acceptance than sleeping around or partying as a teenager.
I then got into modeling and I had to learn very quickly to take rejection. I was asked multiple times by casting agents if I was planning to have a nose job, boob job, lip injections, if I could lose more weight, grow my hair out, cut my hair, be blonde, act more serious, the list goes on. At first, it was absolutely frightening and then I realized that my body was a product (that sounds wrong, but you know what I'm getting at) and these agents weren't attacking my character, they didn't know me as a person at all! They were simply looking for the perfect model for a specific look they had in mind. I knew I wasn't the worst model because I did get jobs and was accepted into some very sought after agencies. I got to travel, meet designers, be independent, and make new friends so despite all the rejection, I had a good time modeling internationally and also started to grow a thick skin as a result.
I feel like when I entered college, I slid back into the NEED to be accepted. I think it was because I was insecure about being a 'townie' since I was going to school less than 10 minutes away from my mother's house. I joined a sorority in order to feel accepted and I felt more outcast than accepted (though I do not blame any girls in the house, I just didn't feel like I was really part of a sisterhood since I was so used to doing my own thing). I felt like the people I connected with most were the artsy kids and the people in my major, Apparel Design, who looked at life outside the box like I did. Suffice to say, I did NOT want to become a fashion designer, but stuck with it because I loved the people I was around in my major and didn't want to pay for more college to change my major! I think being around the artistic community at Purdue fueled my need to be accepted but also we celebrated our diversity and independence at the same time.
After college when the recession hit hard, I felt very vulnerable trying to be a grown up with no real job prospects. I went in and out of relationships in order to try to feel fulfilled in a new life that was quite frankly scary. At this time, I was too old to start over in fashion modeling and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Haha, I still don't but at least I've accepted that now! Several jobs and relationships later, I finally started dating my now husband JD, who is tough as nails and has inspired me to keep a tough skin. The world can be rough, but he's shown me you can get back up, brush yourself off, and keep moving.
Though JD inspired me to be a little more thick skinned, he didn't push me to be so, I had to be willing to do that myself. Maybe it's age or the fact I'm a mother now, but I don't feel the need for the whole world to love me. The most important person I need love from is myself. I am thankful for all my experiences to bring me to the woman I am today. I hope things will only keep getting better.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
2014 Year in Review
Today is the last day of 2014 if you don't live in a cave, you already know that. I'm planning on ringing in the new year with good friends at a casual party (The in-laws are babysitting overnight, woo!). I feel like every year, the last day of the year brings upon a lot of reflection about the highs and lows of that year. Here is a little summary of my year.
2014 did not start off well. I was still having stomach issues which was depressing me and we had the polar vortex which forced my daughter and I to stay inside. I was still mostly a stay at home mom and it was very lonely since my daughter couldn't talk to me and I couldn't really go anywhere with the bad weather. I eventually joined a mom's group which helped being around adults and our kids getting to play together. I hate January and February anyway, so I guess winter is never a fun time for me.
When spring rolled around, I finally had an answer and solution to my digestion issues and was able to start putting on weight that I had been losing like crazy. We celebrated Raven turning one with family and friends! Raven also started walking like a boss which was exciting but also brought about new challenges as a mother. We also took a road trip to Austin, Texas for JD's cousin's wedding and we had a great time (and Raven did very well for such a long road trip).
Summer was fantastic, besides still having fibromyalgia and chronic sinusitis which I still deal with on a daily basis. I got out with Raven everyday, ran, went to barbecues, saw Murder By Death, started working occasionally for other florists as extra help besides still having my own floral business, I dyed my hair red, I got a new car, I got to attend several fun weddings, I made some paintings, and I enjoyed the sunshine even though we had a cooler summer than I would have liked. I also got in a pool more than once this summer! Ok, I went to a pool twice but that's better than once the year before!
Fall was pretty awesome. I started a new job at a logistics company which made me feel more productive as well as contributing money to the household. It was hard the first couple weeks not seeing Raven all day, but it made me appreciate the time I had with her more after work. We still had a little fun trick-or-treating despite how nasty the weather was. JD and I also got to go see Ryan Adams and Butch Walker. I can't leave out getting to see The Script and Howie Day, they were fun concerts as well. JD started in a new band called Prowlers and the Prey and I have really enjoyed seeing their shows these past few months.
Christmas was good, Raven loved all the toys she got and I LOVE my huge 'The Walking Dead' graphic novel (books 5-8) that JD got me for Christmas. It was nice to see family and play with my niece, nephew, and step nephew. My mother also made the world's most delicious pot roast which I am still thinking about (I wish I could cook like her but I hate cooking).
I hope 2015 is even better than 2014. My hopes for 2015 is that my sinus headaches get better, I get a promotion, my daughter gets potty trained, we take at least one fun family trip, I get more wedding floral business, and also do some more photo shoots since I only did 3 this past year and love modeling. I also have some sketches I need to paint, I just need to get around to doing that! This year, I am looking at the year ahead with hope instead of frustration. I wish you all the same as well.
2014 did not start off well. I was still having stomach issues which was depressing me and we had the polar vortex which forced my daughter and I to stay inside. I was still mostly a stay at home mom and it was very lonely since my daughter couldn't talk to me and I couldn't really go anywhere with the bad weather. I eventually joined a mom's group which helped being around adults and our kids getting to play together. I hate January and February anyway, so I guess winter is never a fun time for me.
When spring rolled around, I finally had an answer and solution to my digestion issues and was able to start putting on weight that I had been losing like crazy. We celebrated Raven turning one with family and friends! Raven also started walking like a boss which was exciting but also brought about new challenges as a mother. We also took a road trip to Austin, Texas for JD's cousin's wedding and we had a great time (and Raven did very well for such a long road trip).
Summer was fantastic, besides still having fibromyalgia and chronic sinusitis which I still deal with on a daily basis. I got out with Raven everyday, ran, went to barbecues, saw Murder By Death, started working occasionally for other florists as extra help besides still having my own floral business, I dyed my hair red, I got a new car, I got to attend several fun weddings, I made some paintings, and I enjoyed the sunshine even though we had a cooler summer than I would have liked. I also got in a pool more than once this summer! Ok, I went to a pool twice but that's better than once the year before!
Fall was pretty awesome. I started a new job at a logistics company which made me feel more productive as well as contributing money to the household. It was hard the first couple weeks not seeing Raven all day, but it made me appreciate the time I had with her more after work. We still had a little fun trick-or-treating despite how nasty the weather was. JD and I also got to go see Ryan Adams and Butch Walker. I can't leave out getting to see The Script and Howie Day, they were fun concerts as well. JD started in a new band called Prowlers and the Prey and I have really enjoyed seeing their shows these past few months.
Christmas was good, Raven loved all the toys she got and I LOVE my huge 'The Walking Dead' graphic novel (books 5-8) that JD got me for Christmas. It was nice to see family and play with my niece, nephew, and step nephew. My mother also made the world's most delicious pot roast which I am still thinking about (I wish I could cook like her but I hate cooking).
I hope 2015 is even better than 2014. My hopes for 2015 is that my sinus headaches get better, I get a promotion, my daughter gets potty trained, we take at least one fun family trip, I get more wedding floral business, and also do some more photo shoots since I only did 3 this past year and love modeling. I also have some sketches I need to paint, I just need to get around to doing that! This year, I am looking at the year ahead with hope instead of frustration. I wish you all the same as well.
Monday, December 29, 2014
The Five Random People I'd Love to Meet
This weekend, I have been busy playing with my daughter and all her new toys so I have not blogged. Today I am back with ThinkKit's prompt: what conversation would I want to have with the world and who are the five people I'd want to meet first? Since I am a random person and don't have just one question to ask all five people, I have made a list of five random people and the one question I'd like to ask them...
1. Barack Obama- "What's up?" I'd love to meet the president and honestly if I met him, I'd have no idea what to ask him because I'd be too nervous to ask any thoughtful question so in all honesty, if I met the president, I'd just ask him what's up? I think with the amount of what is going on in our country, he'd probably laugh and say, "You couldn't even possibly begin to understand." Then I'd give him a high five and tell my grandkids one day that I high fived the president.
2. Jennifer Aniston- "How pissed are you that Brad Pitt left you for Angelina Jolie?" I was a big Brad Pitt fan until he left Jenn and went on to adopt and procreate with Angelina Jolie (who I CAN'T STAND). I don't care how much humanitarian work Angelina has done, she had an affair with a married man and that makes her a piece of shit in my book. I'd love to have coffee with Jenn and just make fun of Angelina and how whipped Brad is by her. Chelsea Handler is free to come along, as she is good friends with Jenn and I'm sure she has some much better punchlines to throw at that couple than I do! I know it's been a long time, but I'm still mad about Brangelina!
3. Justin Bieber- "Can you please stop making music?" Seriously. He'd probably egg my house after I asked him that.
4. Jessica Lange- "Can we be friends?" I love her. So. Much. I'd have a cocktail with her any day.
5. Casey Anthony- "What's it like being the most hated former mother in the U.S.?" This case still bugs me to this day, especially now that I'm a mother. Fine, there might not have been proof without a reasonable doubt that she killed or covered up her daughter's death, but HOW do you NOT report your child missing right away, why would you lie to police, and HOW could you go out and party while your DAUGHTER is missing?!?!?! If my daughter went missing even an hour, I'd be calling all sorts of authorities and people while having a constant panic attack. I'd be waiting at home for any answers and fully cooperating with law enforcement in order to find my daughter. I'd be too upset to even leave my house, let alone party or get tattoos. Did her daughter drown while she wasn't looking? Maybe...but reporting that right away is a lot more responsible than making up a nanny and a job while dumping your own daughter into a swamp with duct tape across her mouth. I hope she is living in her own hell for what she allowed her daughter to go through.
Anyway, happy Monday!:)
1. Barack Obama- "What's up?" I'd love to meet the president and honestly if I met him, I'd have no idea what to ask him because I'd be too nervous to ask any thoughtful question so in all honesty, if I met the president, I'd just ask him what's up? I think with the amount of what is going on in our country, he'd probably laugh and say, "You couldn't even possibly begin to understand." Then I'd give him a high five and tell my grandkids one day that I high fived the president.
2. Jennifer Aniston- "How pissed are you that Brad Pitt left you for Angelina Jolie?" I was a big Brad Pitt fan until he left Jenn and went on to adopt and procreate with Angelina Jolie (who I CAN'T STAND). I don't care how much humanitarian work Angelina has done, she had an affair with a married man and that makes her a piece of shit in my book. I'd love to have coffee with Jenn and just make fun of Angelina and how whipped Brad is by her. Chelsea Handler is free to come along, as she is good friends with Jenn and I'm sure she has some much better punchlines to throw at that couple than I do! I know it's been a long time, but I'm still mad about Brangelina!
3. Justin Bieber- "Can you please stop making music?" Seriously. He'd probably egg my house after I asked him that.
4. Jessica Lange- "Can we be friends?" I love her. So. Much. I'd have a cocktail with her any day.
5. Casey Anthony- "What's it like being the most hated former mother in the U.S.?" This case still bugs me to this day, especially now that I'm a mother. Fine, there might not have been proof without a reasonable doubt that she killed or covered up her daughter's death, but HOW do you NOT report your child missing right away, why would you lie to police, and HOW could you go out and party while your DAUGHTER is missing?!?!?! If my daughter went missing even an hour, I'd be calling all sorts of authorities and people while having a constant panic attack. I'd be waiting at home for any answers and fully cooperating with law enforcement in order to find my daughter. I'd be too upset to even leave my house, let alone party or get tattoos. Did her daughter drown while she wasn't looking? Maybe...but reporting that right away is a lot more responsible than making up a nanny and a job while dumping your own daughter into a swamp with duct tape across her mouth. I hope she is living in her own hell for what she allowed her daughter to go through.
Anyway, happy Monday!:)
Friday, December 26, 2014
100 Acres Park is AWESOME
ThinkKit's prompt today is to talk about a place that stood out to me this year. The first place that came to my mind is the 100 Acres Park on the IMA Museum's grounds. I have been there before, but they have added new installations to the park which are REALLY cool.
One summer morning, I loaded Raven up in the car and drove to the IMA museum. I will admit, walking all those steps down to 100 Acres and holding a heavy toddler was a workout and not so much fun. We finally got to the first installation in the forest full of different signs and Raven LOVED it. It was amazing to see her look at every sign and study each one. We made our way over to the log with swings on it and she didn't want to stop swinging, she was having such a blast. I thought this installation was just beautiful and appreciated the fact that it had swings so it was also like a playground.
Everyone I'm sure is aware of the skeleton installation (The Fault In Our Stars showed it in theirmovie). Raven loved playing on that, and I loved watching her play on it. The funny thing about my daughter is she is pretty fearless even though she's not even two years old! She was hopping up and attempting to jump off the bones while I quickly grabbed her to prevent her breaking a bone (ironic right?). She also loved the open field to just run while the sun shined down on us.
We made our way over to the two ponds in the park and it was quite relaxing despite having a rambunctious toddler. We even wandered in the woods a little bit because the weather was perfect and it seemed like all the bugs were leaving us alone. Raven loved the mixture of art and nature just like me.
I will never forget this day because it was so peaceful and a lovely time with my daughter. The IMA grounds are also so beautiful but 100 Acres is VERY cool. If you haven't been and live in Indianapolis, I highly recommend going even though you have to walk down a ton of steps and back up them to get to the park. Indianapolis is lucky to have such a place so do yourself a favor when it's nice out again and go!
One summer morning, I loaded Raven up in the car and drove to the IMA museum. I will admit, walking all those steps down to 100 Acres and holding a heavy toddler was a workout and not so much fun. We finally got to the first installation in the forest full of different signs and Raven LOVED it. It was amazing to see her look at every sign and study each one. We made our way over to the log with swings on it and she didn't want to stop swinging, she was having such a blast. I thought this installation was just beautiful and appreciated the fact that it had swings so it was also like a playground.
Everyone I'm sure is aware of the skeleton installation (The Fault In Our Stars showed it in theirmovie). Raven loved playing on that, and I loved watching her play on it. The funny thing about my daughter is she is pretty fearless even though she's not even two years old! She was hopping up and attempting to jump off the bones while I quickly grabbed her to prevent her breaking a bone (ironic right?). She also loved the open field to just run while the sun shined down on us.
We made our way over to the two ponds in the park and it was quite relaxing despite having a rambunctious toddler. We even wandered in the woods a little bit because the weather was perfect and it seemed like all the bugs were leaving us alone. Raven loved the mixture of art and nature just like me.
I will never forget this day because it was so peaceful and a lovely time with my daughter. The IMA grounds are also so beautiful but 100 Acres is VERY cool. If you haven't been and live in Indianapolis, I highly recommend going even though you have to walk down a ton of steps and back up them to get to the park. Indianapolis is lucky to have such a place so do yourself a favor when it's nice out again and go!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas!
From my family to yours, I hope 2015 is filled with as much love as I get from my two goofballs!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Hey, Thanks.
ThinkKit's prompt today was to write about what I've been thankful for this year. I feel like it would be cliche to write about how thankful I am for a healthy toddler, good marriage, new job, better health, etc. so I have decided to compile a list of little things I've been thankful for this year. Sometimes the little things make a big difference in our lives, either way I am thankful for:
*Papa Murphy's $5 Pizza
*That first sip of coffee when I wake up (I'm a coffee drinker now, I can officially say)
*A new car that doesn't break down every 2-3 months (car payments make me sad though)
*Taylor Swift's 1989 (guilty)
*I have not broken my phone this year!
*Teaching my daughter eskimo kisses
*How about that $1.99 gas everybody?!
*The amazing pictures I got taken of Raven and me by Charles Letbetter
*All the wedding flowers I got to do, I love flowers so much!
*My husband's new band, Prowlers and the Prey (they put on AMAZING shows)
*The time I got to spend with family and friends
*My car being totaled, and I walked away completely unharmed (Thank you Oldsmobile)
*Seeing Ryan Adams perform
*The awesome parks Indianapolis has, Raven and I went to a lot of parks this summer
*Marriage Equality in Indiana!!!!
*Finding a daycare that my kiddo loves
*Pinot Grigio
*All the new bands I've discovered thanks to Alt Nation on Sirius Radio
*All the nostalgia I get from 90's on 9 on Sirius Radio as well!
*So many fun weddings and birthday parties JD and I got to go to
*New glasses so I can see better
*Cosmic brownies
*All the babysitters that have watched my little girl
*The Walking Dead
*Don't forget Game of Thrones!
*Endless Love (plot line is stupid, but Alex Pettyfer hellooooooooo....)
*My Target Red Card
I hope you enjoyed my list of some things I'm thankful for this year off the top of my head. I know it's random, but so is my brain. I'm betting 2015 is going to be even better so bring it on!
*Papa Murphy's $5 Pizza
*That first sip of coffee when I wake up (I'm a coffee drinker now, I can officially say)
*A new car that doesn't break down every 2-3 months (car payments make me sad though)
*Taylor Swift's 1989 (guilty)
*I have not broken my phone this year!
*Teaching my daughter eskimo kisses
*How about that $1.99 gas everybody?!
*The amazing pictures I got taken of Raven and me by Charles Letbetter
*All the wedding flowers I got to do, I love flowers so much!
*My husband's new band, Prowlers and the Prey (they put on AMAZING shows)
*The time I got to spend with family and friends
*My car being totaled, and I walked away completely unharmed (Thank you Oldsmobile)
*Seeing Ryan Adams perform
*The awesome parks Indianapolis has, Raven and I went to a lot of parks this summer
*Marriage Equality in Indiana!!!!
*Finding a daycare that my kiddo loves
*Pinot Grigio
*All the new bands I've discovered thanks to Alt Nation on Sirius Radio
*All the nostalgia I get from 90's on 9 on Sirius Radio as well!
*So many fun weddings and birthday parties JD and I got to go to
*New glasses so I can see better
*Cosmic brownies
*All the babysitters that have watched my little girl
*The Walking Dead
*Don't forget Game of Thrones!
*Endless Love (plot line is stupid, but Alex Pettyfer hellooooooooo....)
*My Target Red Card
I hope you enjoyed my list of some things I'm thankful for this year off the top of my head. I know it's random, but so is my brain. I'm betting 2015 is going to be even better so bring it on!
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