Monday, September 12, 2016

My Body Can't Keep Up with My Ambition

It's really difficult to put into words the frustration I feel day in and day out of all the projects I want to do or places I want to go but I'm too tired and in pain from dealing with fibromyalgia, chronic sinusitis, and IBS.  I have days where I truly feel unhappy and I know it's because of how I feel.  There isn't one day that goes by where my body isn't screaming at me about something that hurts.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel tired mentally and physically.  This is the life sentence I was given.

I am lucky knowing that the disorders I have won't kill me or are degenerative.  I am purely writing this out of annoyance.  I have a Type A brain with a Type B body.  I would love to uphoster furniture, or be good at running, or try really complicated recipes, or play hide and seek for 3 hours straight with my daughter...but this is not the reality I live in.  It's an accomplishment to just get through the work day with lots of caffeine.  By the time I get home to have family time, it's hard for me to think clearly or really do anything without a tremendous amount of pain either in my muscles, sinuses, or both.  If I make dinner, it's something easy.  My husband does a lot of housework and for that, I feel very guilty.  By the time I put my daughter to bed, I want to lie down in bed.  I get all my work stuff out the night before because I know I will be so tired in the morning.

I want to be the girl on the go, even if for just a week.  I can't help but look at people on social media at all these fun events and doing so many hobbies (while I'm curled up on my couch checking social media because I'm in so much pain and exhaustion) and be jealous!  I have to reminder myself that people only post what they want you to see (which is also true about what I post).  I don't know what struggles other people have.  Social media shows the rosy colored version of life (at least most of the time).

Maybe one day there will be a cure for fibromyalgia.  Maybe one day I can have sinus surgery again and it will actually help.  Maybe I will be able to stop worrying about if my IBS is acting up.  Those are the things that get my through my worst days when I want to scream, "I GIVE UP!  I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"  But I don't give up, and I do what I can.  In fact, there is a quote from an Emily Dickinson poem  that I always come back to when the pain seems like too much:

"Hope is the thing with feathers-
That perches on the soul-
And sings the tune without the words-
And never stops at all."